They call me sir like it’s a gift.
Mostly, they call me she like it’s what I’ve always been.
If I presented any more feminine it wouldn’t be questioned.
My voice gives me away. Even with a binder, my chest isn’t small enough to fit in the box that they’ve created.
The thing is that there isn’t a box for where I want to be. I don’t want to have a gender.
I can’t wear tutus or lipstick. That isn’t my home.
I don’t want more hair, a deeper voice, or to be a male.
I just want a more triangle appearance, broader shoulders, smaller hips, a jawline. I want a smaller chest; I don’t want it completely gone. I just want it to be less.
Part of this is exercise, part of this is hormones. This is me. I have a long way to get there.
I’ve waited so long to feel comfortable in my skin. I’m still waiting. I’m waiting to start gender therapy. I’m waiting until I have my exercise habit down. I’m waiting for my trauma work to start. I’m waiting.
I will never pass. I will never be perceived as who I want to be.
I will have to come out to each and every single person that I encounter. If I don’t, I lose me. I can’t let anyone call me she, and think that that is who I am. I am no she.
Once hormones start, once my chest is smaller, my shoulders broader, my hips less: they might call me he, and think that that is who I am. I am no he.
The patriarchy has hindered my quest. Simultaneously wanting to want to be a she, and hating the idea of being a he. I wish I was a she, similar to how I wished I was straight, but different than that. I want to empower women, be an example for younger women, help them rise up. I suppose I can do that without being a she.
It’s hard when you hate feminine parts of your body. Not knowing if the hate comes from within. Not knowing if it comes from society teaching you to hate it. What a woe it is to grow up as a woman. Being taught that your body should be small, that you shouldn’t take up space that a man could fill, that your voice is just noise.
Society has also taught me to hate men. “Not all men”, but men. Their sense of entitlement to the inheritance of this world exudes from each and every one of them. It’s valid that they have it, with how the world has worked in the past. It’s valid that they have it when they grow up with the privilege and the safety of being a man.
Don’t get me wrong, men don’t live completely fair lives. The point is that the unfairness doesn’t lie within society. Their lives can be unfair, but it isn’t because they are men.
I don’t want to be perceived as part of the “boy’s club”. I don’t want people to think that I grew up with locker room talk, rating and berating women. I don’t want to be found in support of the patriarchy.
My therapist told me that even if I decide to become a man, doesn’t mean I will be THE man. The thing is that gender is all about perception. It’s about how I want to be perceived in the world. And right now, I can’t marry my discontent with society with my gender. Not yet.
It is impossible for me to pass. Nobody will look at me and think: Non-binary. Everyone will assume a gender of either one or the other. Formerly one, now another.
It will be a level of self-respect I have yet to reach to come out to each individual who commits this folly. Coming at them from a place of compassion yet firm. For I will stand my ground on this, feeling the adversity of many years, and many years to come.
My pronouns are they/them. I am human.
I am no she. I am no he. I am they.
Thank you all for reading this post. I write to you on a Sunday morning before breakfast with my cat by my side. This was an easy post to write about a not so easy topic.
For some of you, this may be news. I hope it gets around to those of you who haven’t heard. There’s a lot of you out there in the world (*nervous laughter*).
I don’t expect perfection. I don’t even refer to myself by the right pronouns all the time. It actually is hard for me to do so because of so many people who don’t know my pronouns. Please practice, quiz yourself, read up on the subject!
Please have an open mind, and an open heart. Please try your best to respect my pronouns, as I am trying my best to respect myself enough to come out to everyone I meet.
I look forward to interacting with you!