Stuck

I’ve struggled to write a blog post in the past month. I’ve written a few, but they are stuck. Stuck in my drafts. Stuck in my mind. I’ve been stuck lately. Stuck in a rut. The rut of trying to make enough money to live, and trying to live. The struggle is hard, day in and day out. It’s tedious. There’s no reward. I’ve been working my tail off for months. Barely making ends meet, and this month, I didn’t have enough money for all my bills. I’m currently stuck. Frozen in fear. I have late fees to pay now. Bills past due. It’ll affect my credit rating, which is for some reason important.

Meanwhile, the country has gone to shit. Net Neutrality is threatened. People not believing survivors of sexual assault. Shitty tax reforms. Health insurance more expensive than ever.

On top of that, my battle with gender is ever ensuing in my mind.

I’m struggling so much to hold on to the holidays coming up. But with the holidays, comes days off. Days off that I need so badly, however, that’s a week of no nannying pay. $200 makes a huge difference, and I won’t have that for that week when bills are due again. Catering is slowing down after the holidays. I’ll need to get another job. The mere thought of another job makes my brain want to explode.

I just worked an event yesterday where I felt the most invisible than I have in awhile. Surrounded by rich men, with no manners, no respect for the buffet attendant(me) who is there to make sure their food is hot, fresh, and the table clean and presentable. They often trapped me where I was standing, often times standing right in front of me inches away. No regards that I was doing a job, that I was a person not part of the decor. I got paid $11.25 an hour for that. To put up with that. My coworkers helped a bit, except the chef that night was in a bad mood and took it out on me.

I’m at the end of my rope. My sanity wears thin. Unlike Basic Training, where I spent most of it dissociating, there is no clear end in sight. There was a definitive end to the chaos with training. You went through it with battle buddies. People you could lean on for support because they knew how you felt. You did everything with them.

Not only is there no foreseeable end to my financial woes, to my long days, to my hiatus from hanging out with friends, to the government being terrible, to people being terrible, but I also am handling it all alone for the most part. I can lean on some people, as much as I dare, but they aren’t living it with me. I have no partner to help me through.

There’s no one to help keep the apartment clean. No one to help pay the bills. No one to cook, prepare for the holidays, enjoy a beer with. It’s lonely living alone. Don’t get me wrong, I love being alone. There’s nothing like coming home and having just my cat there. Nobody to worry about, nobody to bug me, nobody making noise. That’s a blessing when I have to spend all day surrounded with people.

I just wish I wasn’t completely alone in the struggle. I just wish that once in a while, it wasn’t just me handling everything and trying to keep it all together. I wish I didn’t have to come home and feel guilty about the state my apartment is in. I wish when I arrived at my second job I didn’t have to force a smile and pretend that I’m great. I wish I could come home and not have to cook that day and still eat a nutritious meal.

I know, that’s a lot of wishful thinking. Anyway, I may or may not actually post this. If I do, I’m fine. Just fine. I’m doing the best I can. I will be okay.

I hope you all are doing okay and handling life well. Best wishes.

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