I don’t know how I feel today.
Is it sadness? Is it anxiety? How do I feel right now?
Sometimes it feels like different parts of my body are feeling different things. A quick body scan confirms that.
My feet and legs are tense.
My torso is hungry with no appetite.
My arms are anxious.
My shoulders are sad.
My eyes are tired.
My mind is numb.
I’m drained yet again and the week has just begun. I can’t seem to keep up with everything and the world spins around in a flurry of activity.
If everything stood still, would time stop? Can my body rest in a single moment?
It’s interesting to me how one of the only internal organs we can control is our lungs. Often I breathe without actively attending to it with my consciousness. But, when I actively focus on it, I can control it. I can choose to breathe or not to breathe. I can choose how deep or shallow of a breath to take. I can choose at what length to hold it. Within reason, of course.
No matter what you choose to do, your body wants to breathe. And for me, suffocation is terrifying, so I’m not interested in that.
But you know, breathing is the only movement you have to make in a moment, and you don’t even have to do that if you don’t want to for that moment.
It’s soothing to be still. Despite how I feel, there’s still that soothing moment that I can give myself, and even if the effects only last a few moments after that moment, that’s okay.
The truth is:
I am here.
Despite. Despite. Despite. How overwhelming it is to think about existence and, specifically, my existence. What is my purpose, and how to fulfill that? Why do I blog, and do people even care that I do? How can I live when I need currency in order to do so?
Sometimes it feels like my purpose is just to make money. People tell you that it is wrong to die. I am a month in to working 2 jobs and taking any other side jobs that I can get. I need to do this in order to live. In order to not live on the street. In order to have water to drink, food to eat, and a roof over my head. In order to somewhat uphold a level of sanity in amidst it all.
I feel like all I’m doing is struggling to gain the right amount of money to be “worthy” of basic life necessities. Society tells me that it is wrong to die, but it makes life a meaningless struggle to live.
I’m an introvert. I have a limited amount of energy that I can spend. I gain energy by being alone, doing things that I love, and being in the stillness. I can’t fill my life with meaningful interactions, and enjoyable activities, if I struggle to even find the time to recharge my batteries after working so much. Because even when I do choose to engage in some enjoyment, when I go out with friends, or spend a weekend with my mom, I no longer have the recharge time. And then, I’m left with my work week having started, no household chores are done, my battery drained, and no break until Sunday.
You might wonder how a person can not know how they feel. How their body can feel so many different things at once. How someone could have suicidal thoughts so often.
I ask you: Is the world built for people like you? Do you find meaning in your ability to make money? Are you an extrovert who thrives off interacting with others day-in-and-day-out?
Think about it. It all makes a difference in your ability to feel like you have a life worth living. It affects your self-image and how you feel about the world.
Anyway, this is just one of those days where I just write and publish a stream of consciousness. I’m going to leave this pretty unedited. I promise more constructive content is on its way, including maybe a short story series???
Thanks for reading!