In my life, I’ve rarely felt a sense of stability. Growing up, my home felt tumultuous often. Changing schools in middle school, my father’s sickness and death in high school, the military’s hoops, college life, constantly trying to find balance. I attribute the small sense of stability that I feel right now to therapy.
Therapy has been a constant in my life since January. For the past 4 months, I’ve been going to individual twice a week, and for the past 5 months I’ve been going to group therapy. It’s provided a much needed routine, and stability. Sometimes the foundation would shake with my therapist going on vacation, or a change in group leadership. However, the foundation remained.
I’ve grown used to this stability. Clinging onto it like a rock among the ocean waves. No matter how much the water moved around me, crashing into me and the rock, I had something to hold onto. It’s this stability that has allowed me to start feeling better, getting better.
We went over the test results today. I went from having 3 severe problem areas in emotion regulation to only 1. All of the areas have improved, and now besides the 1 severe area, the rest are mild. As far as coping skills go, I now use more functional/healthy coping methods than unhealthy ones. I’ve improved in a tangible way.
This improvement has brought up the potential to decrease my weekly sessions to just once a week. Surprisingly, I found this suggestion quite dysregulating. It didn’t help that I am tired from not sleeping well last night. And, I think I can attribute a lot of it to feeling my foundation shaking… like the routine and stability is at risk. It gives me anxiety to think about it. It’d be one thing to feel like I had another rock to cling unto, but I don’t right now. I feel like everything else is an unstable mess that I can’t lean on, I can’t rest on.
I left therapy feeling unsatisfied with it. Feeling like I wasted the session not being able to constructively talk about anything. Feeling like nothing was resolved, nothing helped. And sometimes, therapy is just like that, and instead of having to wait a whole week to feel that stability again, all I have to do is tell myself that I can last a few days. Tuesday will be here before I know it, and then I can feel it again. This won’t be an option if I go down to once a week.
But, I should start thinking about when I will be ready for it. What will that look like? What will it feel like? I think that in order for me to try it, I’ll need to have some stability elsewhere. Until then, I can’t wait until Tuesday.. where I can feel that stability again. I just need to make it until Tuesday.