Today is the last day of the blogging program, and I do not want to write.
Today was a rough day.
Last night, my car decided to no longer start. A good friend of mine gave me a ride home. This morning, I felt like I couldn’t start. The family that I nanny for picked me up and dropped me off today to accommodate my car issues while my car sit stranded in a Starbucks parking lot. But, unlike a car, I don’t always have an option to sit when I don’t want to start. Today I had to force myself to watch three kids and try to entertain them. I let them watch movies and cooked them quesadillas for lunch. I had to make them go outside to play at some point and made it fun by creating a water slide into their pool. After the slide, we sprayed each other with the hose and I let them beat me up with pool noodles. I got soaked, and didn’t have a change of clothes but those kids couldn’t say that I didn’t let them have any fun!
I cleaned up after them, I dealt with their meltdowns, their fights. All on a day that I felt like I couldn’t start. This isn’t a story of how I felt like I couldn’t and then I could. I never got started today. I just did my best. And after being dropped off back home, I had to deal with my car situation. It felt like an overwhelming task. I had to rely on a friend again to get me back there. I had to have her call AAA because I couldn’t do it. She waited with me, bought me coffee, and was around through it all so that she could drive me home. Without her, I might’ve actually let my car sit there another day.
My car is at a dealership now. After trying to troubleshoot, it was concluded that the mechanic had no clue what was wrong with it and it had to be towed. I have a clue what is wrong with it, but it still needed a tow, and expertise that I don’t have. Now all I have to do is answer their call, hopefully tomorrow. Tomorrow is another day, and I hope to be able to start. I won’t be surprised if I can’t, because just because I got towed around today doesn’t mean I am fixed.
Today, I extended myself further than my capacity. I borrowed energy, and now have an energy debt to be paid. It isn’t easy carrying around energy debt. In order to restore it, I need a solid day away to recuperate and repair. Something tells me that won’t be easy this week, and that it might not happen until next week.
I’m not motivated to write this last post, but I did it. No, this doesn’t mean that I’m fine. This doesn’t mean that I have plenty of energy. This doesn’t mean that all I need to do is push through things. “Just doing it” doesn’t help, it doesn’t solve anything.
For now, I’m exhausted. I hope you aren’t in energy debt, and that if you are, you get out of it soon. I’m done pushing myself now, and must rest. Over and out.