Change

People used to say, “Never change.” I haven’t heard it in awhile, but I was reflecting on a note that I have posted on my fridge from a battle buddy of mine. In her note, she never explicitly said the words, “Never change.” But, she did say to keep myself and not to lose who I am.

I’m sure it isn’t all that uncommon to hear “Never change.” from people, especially in your high school yearbooks. Hearing that I am perfect the way I am, and to not lose who I am. They are all similar in the manner of not changing.

As humans, we are meant to change. To adapt. To evolve. Stagnation results in an unhealthy lifestyle.

The truth is, is that I never knew who I was. I’m still figuring out who I am. I’m proud that I’ve come so far in knowing some aspects of myself.

At the end of my last therapy session, my therapist told me that we will continue to have me fill out these diary cards until I no longer have these thoughts and behaviors. These diary cards are meant to track habits, patterns of behavior, and harmful ones at that. I rate on a scale how intense the urge to self-harm and suicide are. I also track a number of factors that could reflect some sort of correlation like drugs and alcohol use. She told me that we will do this until the day that I stop having the urge.

This is when I told her that I don’t remember what that is like. I don’t remember a life where I never have a suicidal thought. I have no recollection of a time without mood swings, impulsive actions, and times where I don’t feel in control of myself. I don’t remember what life was like before this illness took over.

She told me that it will happen. She said it with such determination, and knowing. She was certain of it. You see, in her own way, she told me, “Change”. She didn’t order me to. She doesn’t expect it to happen overnight. But it’s her saying that, “It will be okay. Change is good.”

I won’t tell you that I believe her. I won’t tell you that I’m not afraid of change. It is hard to believe when you have no evidence but one person’s words. It is easy to be afraid of change because it is unfamiliar. Even now, I wonder if a life without this illness would be better. I know, that must sound silly to some of you. But, it isn’t silly to me.

I wasn’t born with this illness. This illness manifested based on many factors that I won’t go into right now. My brain decided that this change was good for dealing with the factors that were a part of my life. My brain changed to be this way to handle life.

And you know what? I don’t think it was wrong in doing so. I think that it must have been the best course of action at the time and as new challenges arose, it just adapted to those. I know that chemistry is also a factor in this, which I’m just pointing out so y’all don’t think I only blame my external experiences.

But now, I am attempting to change my brain again. Not back to where it was, especially since I don’t remember that version. Instead, a new one that is updated with the latest version of ‘me’ the OS, complete with my support system as the anti-virus protection (I don’t usually like computer-brain metaphors, but this just seemed to work well).

Change is good. I think that regardless of how things change, it must have been written in the atoms to be that way for a reason. While even thinking about being healthy is kind of scary to me, I am looking forward to what it will be like.

Thank you all for being a part of my support system. It will make this change all the more wonderful.

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