Uninstalling…Filter

Lately, I’ve been dealing with writer’s block. It’s not because there’s nothing to write about. If anything, I have so much to write about I often don’t know where to start. However, that problem is easily remedied by one simple solution: Start. But, that’s not what this blog post is about.

Today, I finished reading Hannah Hart’s book: Buffering: Unshared Tales of a Life Fully Loaded. In her book, she opened up about a lot of troubling events in her life, and a lot of good ones as well. It has inspired me to continue on with my blog, and get rid of the filter that I’ve had recently.

Ever since I posted my coming out blog post, I have felt hindered. More so than usual. I had prepared myself for this roadblock previously, and the solution was to write a disclaimer. For a time, even I had forgotten about that disclaimer.

The disclaimer is my first blog post on this site. It is meant as an introduction, but primarily as a way to free me from the filters that I and society has put on me. I found myself writing blog posts and wondering how people might react, and how I should phrase things in a way that will have less shock value (I know, that is the opposite that people who publicize their writing strive for). I thought that if I made this space comfortable for others, that they wouldn’t see me differently.

That’s the catch. For the majority of my life, I have strived to make others comfortable. I’ve adapted to what they wanted and expected of me. I had thoughts and ideas of my own, but rarely voiced them. This has had a huge impact on my life, while not having an impact on others.

The impact on my life was mainly a negative one. I find that even now I struggle socially. There are times where I feel like I don’t know how to interact, because I fall into a no-man’s land between being who I am, and being who others expect me to be. I fall in between because I’ve recently started discovering who I am. This search has made it harder to be who others expect me to be. So, when I find myself revisiting old habits of trying to live out other’s expectations, I flounder.

The truth is, I am no longer good at being what others expect me to be. I want to impact other’s lives. I want them to know who I am, and then we can find out who I am in relation to them.

With this blog post, my goal is to reassert my disclaimer. This blog might make you uncomfortable, because I’m not striving to make you comfortable anymore. I want to make an impact on your life, and the best way I can do that is to be me.

This blog is a space to speak on an intimate level. No holds will be barred. No restrictions. No limitations. I will no longer hold back or get caught up in this filter.

I wish you luck in your journey through this space.

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