Today I do not feel like writing.
Today is a rough day.
I feel very alone. I feel some things that might scare some people.
Today is a day that exemplifies why I must go to therapy.
It was hard to get out of bed this morning. I binge watched Netflix all day (One Day At A Time is a wonderful show that I think everyone should watch). I did nothing today. I sat in bed and cried at episodes. I wished I had people to text. I wished that I could text the people that I do know. But even if I do text someone, what do I even say?
What if they are having a perfectly good and busy day, and you just need to feel grounded, so you try to start a conversation but what do you say after the formalities of how are you? How do you explain to people that the emptiness that you feel inside is overwhelming today. That my heartbeat feels like it echoes in the empty halls of my body. And, this feeling of hopelessness is like you won’t ever know what it is like to be full.
It’s not a question of if a glass is half empty or half full. There’s nothing left in the glass, and the glass wonders if it will ever be filled again.
You feel like you can’t text anyone even if you wanted to. It’s not that I feel like a burden. I don’t feel like a burden. I just feel crazy. And when you feel crazy as often as I do, there’s only so much you are going to tell others about this crazy. You’ve had experiences where people react to your craziness in ways that you didn’t expect, or that you didn’t want. You’ve also had the opposite, but how are you supposed to know what you will get?
I find that I have better luck just not texting anyone, immersing myself into something else for the entire day, and occasionally asking my cat if he loves me or not. He doesn’t respond but he hasn’t left my side all day. Cats save lives, and my cat has done more for me than anyone knows.
So, what have I done in the past 24 hours to help myself? I ate leftovers of the meal that I made for myself. I ordered cookies to be delivered to me, and I’m currently halfway through them all. I went to karaoke last night after texting a new friend and being invited out to meet other people. I started and finished the entire first season of One Day At A Time (previously mentioned). And, I’m writing this blog post despite me not wanting to write at all (but I’m not editing it so bear with me).
The whole point of me writing this blog post is for you all to know that there’s days that I can only do so much because internally I’m a mess. I’m sure some of you know how that feels. I want you to know that you can text me and just tell me that you need a distraction, and I will do my best to keep you company. Everyone can use a few people like that in their lives. And, even if you still can not text me, or anybody else, know that you’re not alone. I’m also a glass that forgets what it feels like to hold substance. I will not be empty forever and you won’t be either.