Patience, Part 2

There’s a lot of things that I am just beginning to do: a lot of firsts, a lot of new starts. I just moved to St. Louis in November. During my time so far, I have had a seasonal job for UPS that has now ended, and I went home for the holidays. That isn’t a lot, but I’ve started doing more.

Here’s a list of things that I have started doing as of the new year:

  • Dating
  • Women’s Tackle Football
  • Applying to jobs
  • Going to therapy
  • Settling down in my new apartment
  • Exercising (per football)

Last night, I made my first meal in my new apartment. A lot of you are probably wondering what the hell I’ve been eating for the past few months. Well, to sum up my entire diet since I have moved: it’s been a lot of PB&Js, frozen pizza, leftovers, and vegetables.  It isn’t pretty, nor is it healthy. So, what was different about last night?

Last night, I did an at-home workout because it was too icy to go to football practice. I’m supposed to do something similar today. At the end of the workout video, the guy advised to eat some healthy carbs, proteins, and fats. I was feeling good. I wasn’t too tired, and still energized. So, I decided that I was going to do it. I was going to break out the pots and pans and cook myself something to eat.

And… I ate. I ate so much that it was too much given the fact that I haven’t been eating a lot lately.

I’m telling you this, because I feel ashamed as I write this. I wonder why in the hell it took me so long to cook for myself. I wonder about what that might look like to others. Honestly, it just wasn’t a priority. Part of the reason why I cooked last night was that I am out of jam for PB&Js. Another is that I am out of frozen veggies. I hadn’t felt like eating a real meal. I hadn’t felt like doing that for a long time.

So, I’m ashamed. This shame is rooted in the belief that I should have already cooked a meal. I should’ve already done this, or had that. It builds up. I become impatient.

Another cause of impatience is my current social life. When I was in college, I got to know hundreds of people. It got to the point where I would walk down the hallway with a friend of mine, and they would even comment how I seemed to know everybody. It was a grand time. I felt like a part of a community. It’s a community that I yearn for now.

I’ve gone from that community to a place where I know three people. St. Louis is a larger city than Duluth. And now that I’m out of college, I don’t get the luxury of an isolated population that a campus brings. I think to myself how much I need to make friends. I want to go out with people. I want to have parties, and enjoy the company of others. I learned to like having friends in college.

Since I’ve moved, I wonder why I haven’t branched out from the three people that I know around here. However, I have to remind myself how it took me over three years to get to know that many people in college. It wasn’t until my third year that I started becoming interested in trying to date anyone or apply to any jobs. I didn’t join a sport until my senior year. I NEVER settled into my apartment. I have basically skipped those two years that I had previously taken to do any of this stuff.

It’s taken me to write a blog post about this to even realize that. So, if I can just wait half a year to a year. I’ll have friends. I’ll get a job. I’ll settle. It’ll be great. I just need to be patient.

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