These boxes contain mere shadows of that life. I feel like my job up to this point was to honor these people I have been by carrying what was theirs, and in turn hope that the next person I become does the same for me….I think it started as a coping mechanism for big changes. Drastic shifts in environment forcing me to be someone new. Holding on to the shedded skin of my former self. Carrying around things I have molted out of.

I wanted to take this opportunity (because that’s what quarantine is, an opportunity), to give you all an update on my life.

Unlike possessions, we don’t require another being to realize our potential. It is within our own power to do so. We are the our own worst enemy, and I combat that every day. What do I want out of today? Did I make the most out of it? Did I work towards a better me? Always keeping in mind that self-compassion is working towards a better me.

This ordeal was humbling. Humbling in how vulnerable I still can be. How affected I still can be. It’s been years since that event. Humbling to know I am not free from this. Humbling on how relieved I am to see a random guy leave with his coffee. 

Unlike the Grinch, I’m not going to steal anyone’s Father’s Day, though sometimes I feel like doing it emotionally. There’s a part of me that has always wanted to lash out at all the nice Father’s Day posts, harboring a hatred for their celebration, a jealousy that they get to actually celebrate with their fathers.

I’ve stopped seeing Paige. It is still too much of an open and unprocessed wound to talk about. I’ve stopped because I’ve started with someone else. A different kind of therapy, an off-shoot from DBT called RODBT (Radically Open Dialectic Behavioral Therapy). I’m on week 11 of 30. It is challenging, and that seems to be an understatement.

The suffocation of stagnation is overwhelming. I feel like I can’t breathe. Every distraction I indulge in gives me moments of free. 

I find that just because it is a new year doesn’t motivate me enough to actually change. Instead, I need real motivation. A real why. And maybe this will help you too. 

It will be a level of self-respect I have yet to reach to come out to each individual who commits this folly. Coming at them from a place of compassion yet firm. For I will stand my ground on this, feeling the adversity of many years, and many years to come.